Preventing Divorce and Blending Families

Here are a few random lessons learned from class this week:

Preventing Divorce

Much of the time, divorce is something that can be prevented. Of course, there are times when divorce is necessary. But usually it is an event you can choose to avoid. Here are some steps you can take to prevent a divorce from happening to you (taken from A Never Failing Family):

• Careful Selection. Many people do not follow the proper steps in dating which can lead one to jumping into something they don't fully realize.
• Great Unselfishness. You need to be able to work as a team.
• Continued Courtship. In order to keep the relationship strong, continuous dating should take place.
• Commandment. We are commanded to marry and love our spouses with full fidelity. 

Remember, it is a choice!

Blending Families

Combining two families is tough work. But it is important to recognize and remember that while shifting specific roles in a family can be tough, we must be flexible and realize that it might be work for the better. You can still become a family but in different ways with different dynamics!

Parenting

What an experience raising children will be! I do look forward to that difficult, joyous, and rewarding experience.

The purpose of parenting is to protect and prepare children to survive and thrive in the world. It is our responsibility to teach them true principles and help them develop into their own selves. It is vital for parents to take on active role in their children's lives. We cannot assume that children will automatically learn what they need to in this world. If we are not taking the responsibility of being our children's teacher and mentor, then someone else will. And that could end up being someone without the values they need to learn.

Some others purposes of parenting we discussed in class include the following:

• So we can develop patience
• To teach us (the parents)
• Approximate God's role (which changes our relationship with Him)
• Become selfless

Many purposes of parenting are for us, as parents, to learn and grow as well. This is an experience we should learn and continue to grow from no matter how old we or our kids get. Two qualities we should learn from parenting that are very important are: responsibility and mutual respect. We must remember that our children are people too! "A person's a person no matter how small!" we learned from Horton in Dr. Seuss' Horton Hears a Who. This is important to remember as we raise our children in a loving manner.

I am grateful for the opportunity we have been given to parent! It is an incredible time to learn and form strong relationships.

This may be kind of random, but here is an excellent article from the Deseret News on single vs dual income families:

http://www.deseretnews.com/article/765556846/Staying-at-home-How-to-downsize-from-dual-to-single-income.html?pg=all

Sacred Act

"We further declare that God has commanded that the sacred power of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife.

We declare the means by which mortal life is created to be divinely appointed. We affirm the sanctity of life and of its important in God's eternal plan."

The Family: A Proclamation to the World

The First Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ 
of Latter-Day Saints.

Intimacy in marriage is sacred and to be shared between only husband and wife. It creates a special bond between husband and wife as they share the experience in a selfless and caring way. It can strengthen your marriage in the following ways: it is an expression of love, it facilitates a closeness to God as you become one with another in body and spirit, and renews the covenants made in the Holy Temple. Intimacy is a physical and emotional things to be treated with the upmost care and reverence. The more united you and your spouse are, the more secure your children will feel.

Communication

I think communication is such an interesting and confusing thing! In just a few words, you can build up or tear down someone. You can defuse conflict in a moment, provide comfort to a sufferer, or only deepen the wounds. Communication comes in many forms, including nonverbal (such as body language) and tone. But what is most interesting to me about communication is how differently we interpret one another's communication.

As I discussed in an earlier post about symbols, we each have our own symbols (or ways of interpreting the world around us) that we are familiar with. This may become a problem in our marriages as we communicate with each other. How we interpret what the other says (this is called decoding) may be different than what they really meant. Decoding is at least half of the problem when conflict arrives! Michael Williams, my teacher, stated that with those he counsels, most divorces derived from mis-decoding or misunderstandings. They were only misinterpreting the other's actions! We must be so careful to make sure we are clear in our communication and that there is full understanding of what we intend to portray to the other person.

Interesting fact: in communication, words make up only 14% of it. Tone is 35% while nonverbal contributes to 51% of our communication. Our actions alone make up half of what we are trying to say! This helps me to realize that words are not enough. How we just standing or looking helps hinder or improve my communication. Realizing this fact and improving this skill will help us become more clear in the ways be communication.

Baby Blues

For the average American marriage, it is normal for martial satisfaction to continually decrease with each child that is brought into a new family and to continually increase with each child that leaves the house. This is how most marriages will go. BUT, there is good news! You can prevent this steady decline in marital satisfaction. 

First off, a baby demands much attention, time, and work. Many parents believe they can continue living their lives the same way they have done before. They do not realize the huge impact this baby will have on the schedule they are use to. Also, marital satisfaction starts to decline because of this odd phenomenon that occurs after the baby is born. At the beginning of the marriage, much time is spent discussing the things that each partner agrees on. Of course there are the occasional disagreements, but for the most part the two of you agree on many things—you usually marry someone with whom you share a similarity and can carry on an engaging conversation with. While the two of you may talk about much more important topic after the baby is born, the husband perceives the wife as disagreeing much more than before. Therefore, he may see himself as less needed and being to with draw. The wife then interprets this as less interest in her and the baby. The once high marital satisfaction begins to decline. This is all about perception! Each spouse perceived one another's actions differently than the other. 

It is extremely important to recognize these problem that many arise and be able to plan in advance for it. Lucky for you, now you know! You can prepare with your spouse the additional work load that comes from this new baby and realize you will have much less time alone together. Plan for little ways you can have personal bonding time on a much tighter schedule. Figure out how you can share the work load more effectively. This will help the both of you emotionally and physically support one another while making your relationship more rock solid.

Much of your marital satisfaction after baby is born depends on the actions you take before baby. It is important to include the husband in all the aspects of the pregnancy. Take him to prenatal appointments, have him feel when the baby kicks, and most importantly put him first before any others during the birthing process (avoid making it a mother-daughter experience). This whole process is for the two of you to be involved in and enjoy. Make sure the husband is as involved in the process of pregnancy as the wife.

How you handle the pregnancy and birthing process will be vital to the future or your marriage and the overall satisfaction of your marriage. Remember, you must be an active agent of your life in order to have the best marriage.

All the information presented in this blog post is an adaptation from a presentation by Dr. Michael Williams.

"Marriage is Crafted, Not Found"

I believe full-heartedly in the heading of this post. Marriage is not a passive activity. Each spouse has to take an active part in building the relationship and creating the family. One of the biggest predictors of a successful marriage is how the dating process went. My teacher, Brother Williams, made a wise observation:

"Casual dating, courtship, and engagement lead to a casual marriage."

If we do not take an active part during the dating process, the chances of a proactive marriage coming from this kind of dating style are very slim. As with all things in life, we have the choice to determine which way we want our lives to go. If we want a successful, loving, co-dependant relationship, we can make that happen! But that is no possible way for that to occur if we move like water down the path of least resistance.

Too many people slide from step to step instead of making clear distinct movements forward in their relationships. This sliding dramatically increases the chances of the marriage sliding all over the place as well. Things do not magically happen once the marriage ordinance is performed. How you are before marriage is how you will be after marriage. Marriage is not the magical remedy to you or your spouse's problems. If the relationship needs improving, marriage cannot fix that. The individuals are the ones to fix this.

I invite you to take an active role in your relationship, marriage, and life. An excellent marriage begins with excellent and clearly defined dating, courtship, and engagement.

Gender

"Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal,

 and eternal identity and purpose."

The Family: A Proclamation to the World

Discussing the importance of gender this week and the different influences of a man or woman has been so enjoyable. Each gender has a specific responsibility given to them. I feel too many people do not recognize and honor these differences. Or the similarities between the two. These differences and similarities between genders should be honored, especially as a parent. We watched a video concerning gender where a lady stated, "We desperately need to raise our sons more like our daughters." I feel we should raise them relatively the same and honor their differences that they were given for a reason. If we teach them correct principles and what their role is as a man or woman, then they will most likely turn out fine! 

It was interesting to find out that those who can find a balance in incorporating aspects of both feminism and masculinity have many more benefits to a healthy, balanced life. This goes back to teaching them correct principles. We can provide a solid base for them and they can build and grow from there. 

Embrace your gender! It is part of who you are and will always be. And this does not mean you must become a stereotypical man or woman as the world views them. Be yourself and recognize yourself as the man or woman you are.

Social Class

Are there social classes in America? This has been the topic of discussion throughout this week and how it may affect the family structure. Whether or not you want to admit it, there are social classes in America. These divides in our culture may not be clearly defined, but they do have an impact in the people we interact with. I often wonder how a different neighborhood, a different money situation, or the displacement into a different culture completely would have changed my family dynamics. The views of those with a bigger income compared to those with small incomes usually differ greatly. This is not to say one is better than the other in any way. But it's interesting to see how families in these different social classes interact with one another, what values are most important to them, disciplinary actions they take, or how they view and treat other people below or above them on the social class spectrum.

I am grateful for the living situation I was able to grow up in. I was blessed with solid parents who loved me and were deeply committed to God. Growing up in Texas provided many opportunities for physical activity outside and missionary work. As a result, we grew to be a very out-going family and interacted with many others outside our own family. But when we moved to Idaho and into an already tightly knit community of the same religion, our actions slowly changed. It was much colder there, so our main source of entertainment was indoors and usually at home. My sisters and I grew much closer because most of our time was spent indoors together instead of with other neighborhood friends outside. We also lived by many extended family members and became close friends with them. Therefore, we became less out-going to others outside our family. It was much harder to play with friends outside our family and there were less opportunities for missionary work. But our family bonds grew much closer as a result of this societal and environmental change.

I challenge you to think of how your own family would compare given a different social or cultural situation. Would it have been better or worse?

Symbols

As I learned about Symbolic Interaction Theory this week, I realized how the principles in this theory have greatly impacted my life, for good and bad. Symbolic Interaction Theory deals basically with our perception of various situations. In plain terms, everything has different meanings or symbols to different people. And sometimes these symbols get mixed up and affect our communication, feelings, and interactions with others. Essentially, we may be easily lost in translation of the same experience! This of course is true UNLESS we recognize there is potential for miscommunication when we do not clarify the symbols someone has associated for a similar experience.

I think an example will clear up any confusion on the matter:     
Every morning, a woman's husband had to leave early in the morning before she woke up. Every morning, this woman woke up to all the drawers in their bedroom left open. She thought this was an extremely rude gesture of her husband to open all the drawers without closing them. She knew he was doing this just to spite and annoy her. Finally, this woman confronted her husband and told him she could not stand it one more morning. She would not have him be so unkind to her anymore. The husband was stunned by this confrontation; he left the drawers open every morning in order to not wake his wife with the noise of closing the drawers.

I believe understanding each others symbols and associations to human actions is huge in our communication with family members, spouses, and with anyone whom we associate with. When we can empathize with and gain perspective of the feelings and emotions of anyone we interact with, our own perspective will change. We will more readily be able to effectively associate and communicate with all those around us. Our families will learn through this way how to interact in a more loving and understanding nature.

I challenge you to understand the symbols of a situation to another person who's perspective on the matter may be completely different from that of yours. Discover why they feel that way about this particular action.

The Family: A Proclamation to the World

The Family

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A Proclamation to the World

The First Presidency and Council of the Twelve Apostles of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints 

 

We, the First Presidency and the Council of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, solemnly proclaim that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children.

All human beings—male and female—are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny. Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose.

In the premortal realm, spirit sons and daughters knew and worshipped God as their Eternal Father and accepted His plan by which His children could obtain a physical body and gain earthly experience to progress toward perfection and ultimately realize their divine destiny as heirs of eternal life. The divine plan of happiness enables family relationships to be perpetuated beyond the grave. Sacred ordinances and covenants available in holy temples make it possible for individuals to return to the presence of God and for families to be united eternally.

The first commandment that God gave to Adam and Eve pertained to their potential for parenthood as husband and wife. We declare that God’s commandment for His children to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force. We further declare that God has commanded that the sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife.

We declare the means by which mortal life is created to be divinely appointed. We affirm the sanctity of life and of its importance in God’s eternal plan.

Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children. “Children are an heritage of the Lord” (Psalm 127:3). Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, and to teach them to love and serve one another, observe the commandments of God, and be law-abiding citizens wherever they live. Husbands and wives—mothers and fathers—will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations.

The family is ordained of God. Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan. Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity. Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities. By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners. Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation. Extended families should lend support when needed.

We warn that individuals who violate covenants of chastity, who abuse spouse or offspring, or who fail to fulfill family responsibilities will one day stand accountable before God. Further, we warn that the disintegration of the family will bring upon individuals, communities, and nations the calamities foretold by ancient and modern prophets.

We call upon responsible citizens and officers of government everywhere to promote those measures designed to maintain and strengthen the family as the fundamental unit of society.

This proclamation was read by President Gordon B. Hinckley as part of his message at the General Relief Society Meeting held September 23, 1995, in Salt Lake City, Utah.

I bear my testimony of the truthfulness of this proclamation. I know the family is central to our Father in Heaven's plan of happiness for His beloved sons and daughters. I am grateful for my wonderful family here on earth and know that I am able to be with them throughout the eternities through the sacred sealing ordinances performed in temples around the world.

I thought it necessary to begin this blog on families by making clear my beliefs on the family. I will continue to quote this proclamation made by latter-day prophets throughout this semester. Can't wait to continue my testimony of family through this public journal!