Preventing Divorce and Blending Families

Here are a few random lessons learned from class this week:

Preventing Divorce

Much of the time, divorce is something that can be prevented. Of course, there are times when divorce is necessary. But usually it is an event you can choose to avoid. Here are some steps you can take to prevent a divorce from happening to you (taken from A Never Failing Family):

• Careful Selection. Many people do not follow the proper steps in dating which can lead one to jumping into something they don't fully realize.
• Great Unselfishness. You need to be able to work as a team.
• Continued Courtship. In order to keep the relationship strong, continuous dating should take place.
• Commandment. We are commanded to marry and love our spouses with full fidelity. 

Remember, it is a choice!

Blending Families

Combining two families is tough work. But it is important to recognize and remember that while shifting specific roles in a family can be tough, we must be flexible and realize that it might be work for the better. You can still become a family but in different ways with different dynamics!

Parenting

What an experience raising children will be! I do look forward to that difficult, joyous, and rewarding experience.

The purpose of parenting is to protect and prepare children to survive and thrive in the world. It is our responsibility to teach them true principles and help them develop into their own selves. It is vital for parents to take on active role in their children's lives. We cannot assume that children will automatically learn what they need to in this world. If we are not taking the responsibility of being our children's teacher and mentor, then someone else will. And that could end up being someone without the values they need to learn.

Some others purposes of parenting we discussed in class include the following:

• So we can develop patience
• To teach us (the parents)
• Approximate God's role (which changes our relationship with Him)
• Become selfless

Many purposes of parenting are for us, as parents, to learn and grow as well. This is an experience we should learn and continue to grow from no matter how old we or our kids get. Two qualities we should learn from parenting that are very important are: responsibility and mutual respect. We must remember that our children are people too! "A person's a person no matter how small!" we learned from Horton in Dr. Seuss' Horton Hears a Who. This is important to remember as we raise our children in a loving manner.

I am grateful for the opportunity we have been given to parent! It is an incredible time to learn and form strong relationships.

This may be kind of random, but here is an excellent article from the Deseret News on single vs dual income families:

http://www.deseretnews.com/article/765556846/Staying-at-home-How-to-downsize-from-dual-to-single-income.html?pg=all

Sacred Act

"We further declare that God has commanded that the sacred power of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife.

We declare the means by which mortal life is created to be divinely appointed. We affirm the sanctity of life and of its important in God's eternal plan."

The Family: A Proclamation to the World

The First Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ 
of Latter-Day Saints.

Intimacy in marriage is sacred and to be shared between only husband and wife. It creates a special bond between husband and wife as they share the experience in a selfless and caring way. It can strengthen your marriage in the following ways: it is an expression of love, it facilitates a closeness to God as you become one with another in body and spirit, and renews the covenants made in the Holy Temple. Intimacy is a physical and emotional things to be treated with the upmost care and reverence. The more united you and your spouse are, the more secure your children will feel.

Communication

I think communication is such an interesting and confusing thing! In just a few words, you can build up or tear down someone. You can defuse conflict in a moment, provide comfort to a sufferer, or only deepen the wounds. Communication comes in many forms, including nonverbal (such as body language) and tone. But what is most interesting to me about communication is how differently we interpret one another's communication.

As I discussed in an earlier post about symbols, we each have our own symbols (or ways of interpreting the world around us) that we are familiar with. This may become a problem in our marriages as we communicate with each other. How we interpret what the other says (this is called decoding) may be different than what they really meant. Decoding is at least half of the problem when conflict arrives! Michael Williams, my teacher, stated that with those he counsels, most divorces derived from mis-decoding or misunderstandings. They were only misinterpreting the other's actions! We must be so careful to make sure we are clear in our communication and that there is full understanding of what we intend to portray to the other person.

Interesting fact: in communication, words make up only 14% of it. Tone is 35% while nonverbal contributes to 51% of our communication. Our actions alone make up half of what we are trying to say! This helps me to realize that words are not enough. How we just standing or looking helps hinder or improve my communication. Realizing this fact and improving this skill will help us become more clear in the ways be communication.

Baby Blues

For the average American marriage, it is normal for martial satisfaction to continually decrease with each child that is brought into a new family and to continually increase with each child that leaves the house. This is how most marriages will go. BUT, there is good news! You can prevent this steady decline in marital satisfaction. 

First off, a baby demands much attention, time, and work. Many parents believe they can continue living their lives the same way they have done before. They do not realize the huge impact this baby will have on the schedule they are use to. Also, marital satisfaction starts to decline because of this odd phenomenon that occurs after the baby is born. At the beginning of the marriage, much time is spent discussing the things that each partner agrees on. Of course there are the occasional disagreements, but for the most part the two of you agree on many things—you usually marry someone with whom you share a similarity and can carry on an engaging conversation with. While the two of you may talk about much more important topic after the baby is born, the husband perceives the wife as disagreeing much more than before. Therefore, he may see himself as less needed and being to with draw. The wife then interprets this as less interest in her and the baby. The once high marital satisfaction begins to decline. This is all about perception! Each spouse perceived one another's actions differently than the other. 

It is extremely important to recognize these problem that many arise and be able to plan in advance for it. Lucky for you, now you know! You can prepare with your spouse the additional work load that comes from this new baby and realize you will have much less time alone together. Plan for little ways you can have personal bonding time on a much tighter schedule. Figure out how you can share the work load more effectively. This will help the both of you emotionally and physically support one another while making your relationship more rock solid.

Much of your marital satisfaction after baby is born depends on the actions you take before baby. It is important to include the husband in all the aspects of the pregnancy. Take him to prenatal appointments, have him feel when the baby kicks, and most importantly put him first before any others during the birthing process (avoid making it a mother-daughter experience). This whole process is for the two of you to be involved in and enjoy. Make sure the husband is as involved in the process of pregnancy as the wife.

How you handle the pregnancy and birthing process will be vital to the future or your marriage and the overall satisfaction of your marriage. Remember, you must be an active agent of your life in order to have the best marriage.

All the information presented in this blog post is an adaptation from a presentation by Dr. Michael Williams.

"Marriage is Crafted, Not Found"

I believe full-heartedly in the heading of this post. Marriage is not a passive activity. Each spouse has to take an active part in building the relationship and creating the family. One of the biggest predictors of a successful marriage is how the dating process went. My teacher, Brother Williams, made a wise observation:

"Casual dating, courtship, and engagement lead to a casual marriage."

If we do not take an active part during the dating process, the chances of a proactive marriage coming from this kind of dating style are very slim. As with all things in life, we have the choice to determine which way we want our lives to go. If we want a successful, loving, co-dependant relationship, we can make that happen! But that is no possible way for that to occur if we move like water down the path of least resistance.

Too many people slide from step to step instead of making clear distinct movements forward in their relationships. This sliding dramatically increases the chances of the marriage sliding all over the place as well. Things do not magically happen once the marriage ordinance is performed. How you are before marriage is how you will be after marriage. Marriage is not the magical remedy to you or your spouse's problems. If the relationship needs improving, marriage cannot fix that. The individuals are the ones to fix this.

I invite you to take an active role in your relationship, marriage, and life. An excellent marriage begins with excellent and clearly defined dating, courtship, and engagement.

Gender

"Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal,

 and eternal identity and purpose."

The Family: A Proclamation to the World

Discussing the importance of gender this week and the different influences of a man or woman has been so enjoyable. Each gender has a specific responsibility given to them. I feel too many people do not recognize and honor these differences. Or the similarities between the two. These differences and similarities between genders should be honored, especially as a parent. We watched a video concerning gender where a lady stated, "We desperately need to raise our sons more like our daughters." I feel we should raise them relatively the same and honor their differences that they were given for a reason. If we teach them correct principles and what their role is as a man or woman, then they will most likely turn out fine! 

It was interesting to find out that those who can find a balance in incorporating aspects of both feminism and masculinity have many more benefits to a healthy, balanced life. This goes back to teaching them correct principles. We can provide a solid base for them and they can build and grow from there. 

Embrace your gender! It is part of who you are and will always be. And this does not mean you must become a stereotypical man or woman as the world views them. Be yourself and recognize yourself as the man or woman you are.